Crackest of All Pairings
by Kaworu Naha ga bisa
Summary: Series of one-shots romance story of our forgotten pairings. By pairings, i meant the likes of ReiXPen-Pen and KajiXGaghiel. It just get worse as time goes on. Rated M for Misato and Mari Makinami.
1. Penguin Instrumentality Project

Disclaimer: Pen-Pen is god now, so i don't own Evangelion. He does.

Okay, so here's the first of crack pairing series. Pen-PenXRei!

* * *

That's it!

Pen-Pen couldn't hold it anymore!

Ever since he saw the azure-haired beauty when she came into the apartment to assist the training of Second and Third Child in their training to defeat the Seventh Angel, the designated First Child, Rei Ayanami, has made the penguin fell in love. Her light, natural blue mop was silky smooth, smelled as good as garden of Eden. Her porcelain skin wasn't like any other albino. It was healthy, soft, and made her beauty even more accentuanted instead of hindered it. Her figures were lithe, and yet shapely enough to ensure that she would entranced many man and penguins like him. The crimson eyes were the kind who pierced your souls, entranced you into the beauty of those orbs. The fact that she was a complete opposite of the fiery red-head, doll hater trollop, which the penguin came to hate for being loud, abrasive, abusive, just made her even more desirable. He realized one thing he wanted.

He wanted to become one.

With her.

But how? He was nothing but a warm water penguin, merely a pet of Katsuragi residence. He wasn't even once set a foot in the Geofront for sake! And that wimp Ikari and red devil bitch. Graah! If only he could get rid of them, he would have a 'ride' with her all night, like a wild animal. Oh, baby!

As the mental images pleasantly tortured his mind, Pen-Pen experienced his first nosebleed.

 _ARRGH! STOP TEASING ME, MY BLUE HAIRED GODDESS!_

SQWUAAAAAARRK!

"Shut up, Pen-Pen!"

 _Oh, no. You shut up, Minmey copycat!_

WAAAARK!

 _Bah! Maybe some net searching will satifies my pleasure! I'm sure there's more than one good looking azure haired albino in this world._

With that, Pen-Pen went into the deep blue net.

 _Oh yeah. Shove that candy ass into your ass, baby!_

Yes. Pen-Pen was a very sick little bird.

SQWUAAAAARK!

* * *

It has been days since Pen-Pen tried to 'satisfied' himself to get his mind away from the certain albino.

It didn't work.

SQUAAAAAARK!

 _Even the penguin with blue mohawk!_

He really needed the blue-haired goddess.

So he came up with a plan.

 _Hmmm...what's in Geofront, anyway?_

It was a lucky thing that he bought his second hand laptop from the NERV Commander.

It was even luckier for him that he forgotten to log off his facebook account.

 _Waaaark! A giant stay pluft mutilated woman is inside Geofront? Human Instrumentality Project? Third Impact? CLONES OF MY PALE GODDESS?_

Pen-Pen was a very happy Penguin.

SQWUAAAAAAAAARK!

* * *

 _Fuck you, fake haired blonde!_

 _Oh, well. At least this one will worked for me._

* * *

"It's time...Rei...open your AT-Field to me."

Unknown to both girl and Commander, a certain Penguin already craved it's way into the Second Angel.

 _Waaaark! Either way, i win!_

* * *

Shinji was very terrified by what's in front of him.

A skycraper abomination of very pale conjoined triplet.

One of them was a Penguin.

He screamed.

"HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?"

* * *

WAAAARK! (Get us best sardines, servant!)

What? But how-

WAAAAAARK! (Just do it!)

Ah, fine. At least i'm not going to pilot the EVA again.

WAAAAAARK! (Good boy. Good boy!)

* * *

Pen-Pen populated the earth with blue haired humans with flippers.

The earlier humans that turned into LCL returned into life...as fishes.

The end.


	2. Everybody swing for Kaji

A/N: I don't own EVA. Happy, Anno?

P.S. I never read any fanfic that had Kaji's Casanova venture had him good, so there you go. Only i made everything..out of control.

That's right. It's KajixEverythingthatmoves, baby!

Oh. Just to confirm, yes, i stole some of the scenes from Asuka's Competitor. LasagnaSix, eh, Lavagna Six, i love you! No homo, btw.

* * *

It was the day the Second Child, Asuka Langrey Sohryu came to Japan. Stood at the command deck of Over the Rainbow, she watched things happened all over her with bored look at her face. It's not that there were nothing interesting in the ship. There were three quiet good looking boys around her. But the tall one was a foolish jock who flashed her and would not take her bullshit. The one with glasses was pure nerd. And the lanky, feminine-looking one was not even had his balls dropped yet. How else he didn't even surprised when the wind made her accidentally exposed her panties to the world?

Beside, she had someone else in her mind. Why you took the unripe fruit when you could take the one that already has?

"Well, i can see you're as confident as ever."

There he was, the fruit for her to pick. The fruit that she would enjoy for herself.

"KAJI!" The girl glomped him immediately

 _Mmmmmmmm...Kaji!_

"Wha...what the hell are you doing here!" Screamed Misato, ruined Langrey's moment with what she would considers as the finest stallion known to any man.

Kensuke could've swore that Misato's face was smiling, blushed slightly for a second, before it went full red out of fury. But as he shook his head, he convinced himself that it was nothing but 'those silly seeing things'.

And Shinji...well...

"Hey, i'm the Third Child, Shinji Ikari!" Said the black haired, lanky boy with glistering in his eyes. "And you must be..."

"Kaji. Ryoji Kaji." Said Kaji, as he extended his arm to show his kindness that melt Asuka's heart smoothly. "I'm NERV's secret agent and Asuka's guardian."

 _Mmmmmm...you can guard me all night longggg..._

Shinji returned the gesture.

"Woah, man...just, woah."

"Woah, Shin-man! Keep your pants out of this, kay?"

"Yeah. Sheesh! That Shamshel doll thingy is kinda giving it, man!"

Shinji only blushed furiously at this.

Asuka only stared at the stooges.

She then took a glance at her former guardian.

She was...jealous?

Asuka's jaw dropped.

 _No way._

 _NO WAY!_

* * *

"So...is Misato still wild in bed?"

Misato's face went red in fury for this smooth grace from Kaji...NOT!

"I...i don't know."

"Trust me, man. He would not know."

"Yeah. Really. He really would not know." Kensuke added to Toji, before he added to himself. "Not that there's something wrong about that."

* * *

"So, Asuka...what is your opinion regarding the Third Child?"

Asuka fumed at this, and screamed.

"HE'S GAY! HE'S GAYER THAN SAILORS!"

All NAVYs stared at her.

 _That's it! I'm gonna kill whoever made that stereotype!_

Meanwhile, in heaven, the great grandfather of the Captain of Over the Rainbow sneezed.

"Hmmm...how could you know?"

"He's eyeing you like he was undressing you, for sake!" Asuka cried out. "How...how could you stand a kid looking at you like that?"

As there was no response from the smooth operator, Asuka took a glance against the purple haired Captain.

She looked at her in disgust.

"...What?"

* * *

"Verdammt! Go get changed in the male locker, pervert!" Said Asuka, as Shinji began to unzipped his pants.

"Okay, okay. I just don't see for why you get so-Hei! Is that Mr. Kaji went to the bathroom? Mmmm..."

"On second thought... just stay here."

* * *

 _That brat! How dare she filling up my Kaji!_

 _And Shinji...i knew he swing that way, but this is still unacceptable!_

 _I must make up things with Kaji. Maybe we could still-_

"Hey, sorry Misato! But i have to run some errand first!"

"Come back here, you coward!"Misato screamed, as Kaji took off with his jet.

"Kaji, you lucky bastard!" Kensuke cried out his heart as he concluded his observation on Misato.

"Um, Kens, i would not want to be in his position considering Shinji has his eyes on him.

"Perhaps you're right..."

* * *

Kaji could only cursed his luck as he narrowly avoided the death from the attack of the Angel.

Or...what was supposed to be an attack.

 _Why is it using it's tongue?_

* * *

 _Damn! That one hot mamma is gone now!  
_

 _Gaghiel, why? I thought you all cared about me?!_

 _Screw you father! I'm gonna get myself some of that fine piece of ass!_

* * *

"Where's the Angel?"

"Hmph! It must be cowering away at the sheer awesomeness of great Asuka Langrey Sohryu! I've told you i'm the best!"

"Yeah, yeah whatever...I hope Mr. Kaji saw our action..."

Asuka once again fumed. She would hate to be living with this queer.

* * *

"Yep. You're right, Toji."

* * *

"My, what an eventful trip! I wonder if it was caused by this thing i bring?"

"Ah, nevermind. This is what you want, isn't it, Commander? Frozen, but still alive." Kaji said as he gotten closer to the desk of the bastard.

"Correct. This is the first human, Adam."

"I see. Oh, who's this sweet young lady?" His eyes suddenly transfixed at this tall yellow woman that could give supermodels a run for their money.

"Ah, where's my manner, sweetheart? I'm Gaghielle. Nice to meet you." Said the woman as she returned the smile from Kaji.

"Always a pleasure to meet someone as fine as-"

"Seven O'clock, my apartment. Here's the key." She said, as she blown up a kiss and a wink to him.

Kaji wondered if he was lucky or not. No women ever thrown herself like that to him before.

Gendo wondered if she was related to the newest deviation of the old man's scenario.

* * *

"No! I would not wear anything from 80s! Scientific experiment has concluded that 80s was an abomination to style of human culture!"

"Come on, Asuka! It's not that bad!"

"No, it is! It's bad enough that i have to live together with that..." Asuka just realized that 'pervert' is not the right word for his male companion.

Meanwhile, Shinji's mind was on something else.

 _Gaghielle! That woman. How dare she...how dare she!_

* * *

Israfael waited.

And waited.

 _Where's that hot momma that Gaghiel told us about? We got blown into pieces as soon as we made it here! Man, what a rude fellow, human race that is._

Two behemoth that were familiar to the twin Angel now went face to face with them.

 _Oh, there you two again! Do you happen to know an unshaven man with ponytail? He's one hell of a stallion, if i heard corr-_

Their answer was a synchronized kick to the orb that immediately blown them to pieces again. With no chance to survive.

 _Damn you...Gaghiel..._

* * *

Somewhere, Gaghiel was sitting.

It was obvious that the voluptous lady already took some cue from her employer.

 _All according to plan..._ She smirked behind her interlocked fingers.

* * *

In a desolate, nearly abandoned apartment complex, Shinji Ikari rested his head into the lap of the First Child. Ever since the red haired girl entered his life, he found himself to looking more for the caring side of Rei Ayanami. He sighed.

"You find her difficult." Said Rei, as she stroked his soft hair.

"It's not just that!" He snapped. "She always picking up fight whenever it's possible!" He then blanched as the frightful thought came to him. "Tsundere. Asuka acts like Tsundere. You don't think Asuka is really into me, don't you? I mean...eeeew!"

"I don't think that's the case."

"Huh?"

"You both have unrequited love toward Ryoji Kaji. Perhaps that's the source for your tension."

"Maybe you're right." The boy blushed.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a brooding, spacious office, two man were watching security feed from the First Child's apartment. She hadn't put any clothes yet. Not that the Third Child cared about that.

"Well, at least we can put over our fears for Oedipus Complex relationship to rest." Said the older one.

"I knew all those DNA splicing to make her... different enough in case they fall for each others would be a waste of time...Still, his interests may change in the future. We should keep monitoring them."

Fuyutsuki rolled his eyes.

"Come on, Ikari! He didn't even feigned interests when he touched her second base. He definitely batting for the other team!" Later, he added. "Not that there's something wrong with that."

"Fuyutsuki, i also experimented with myself, and i still ended up with Yui."

The Vice-Commander frowned at this fact. "Ikari, i really, really don't want to know."

"And Kaji is quiet smooth, like Japanese Bond. If you ask me, my son has a good taste." Gendo said as if Fuyutsuki didn't tell his...dissaproval toward this topic.

"Fuck you, Ikari. I definitely don't need to hear this."

"Well, why, Fuyutsuki? My experiments told me that everyone has beauty on the outside. Yes, even Keel."

"Not listening! LALALALALA!" Fuyutsuki stucked his fingers in his ears.

"Well, take a look at you for instance. I can tell you that your butt is still not shaggy yet. And some rub on your back would make you shivers in pleasure, like a-"

"LALALALALALA!"

* * *

Somewhere, a bespetacled hacker cried himself to sleep after he hacked the visual feed from Ayanami Residence.

 _Damn you, Ikari! You don't know how lucky you are!_

* * *

After the synch test, Rei Ayanami took her time to study.

She studied the body language of Agent Ryoji.

 _I decided to help Ikari-kun to solve his dillema._

She just opened the pandora box.

Not that there's something wrong about that.

* * *

"We have to examine the role of Agent Kaji again."

"Mmm...Kaji..."

"Snap out of it, Chairman Lorenz!"

"Uh, what? Oh, don't worry. I already had Tabris up for that task."

The rest of the SEELE groaned.

* * *

Rei Ayanami concluded her study.

 _Agent Kaji is...desirable. I need to find some more. For better and conclusive result, of course._

She then continued her browsing of Kaji in his underwear, something that was put on sohryuawesome dott com and purpledrankcaptain dott com.

* * *

Shinji Ikari, Rei Ayanami, and Kaworu Nagisa. These not-so-related designated Children were finally on one thought, one unity, one target. But it wasn't the Instrumentality that caused this.

It was something more urgent, more satisfying, more out of selfish intent. Something that tapped in their inner desire: To be one. With the one they wanted.

 _Mmmmmmmm...Kaji!_

* * *

Kaji decided that he had allergic to something.

He visited the doctor.

* * *

Pen-Pen decided that it's time to repopulate the earth with Penguin. He already studied human that could bear the children of Penguin.

Too bad he mistook Female's anatomy with males.

Also too bad that his college education was conducted by a very mad scientist that determined to make a fusion fruit between Pinneaple and Durian.

And as a result...

 _WAAARK! These bespetacled nerd and jock would be the most suitable suitors!_

* * *

ACHOO!

"Bad omen, man..."

"Yeah. Bad omen..."

* * *

"Ah! You two are sick, too?"

"Perhaps..."

"Oh, Ms. Gaghielle! What can i do for you?"

"I'll be your doctor today..." The tall yellow woman said seductively.

"Um, ok..."

"NO!" A purple haired Captain screamed.

"He's mine, bitch!" The red haired girl take no bullshit, and Kaji's certainly no bullshit.

"Bring it on!"

While Kaji sneaked away to get to the other hospital, where the other childrens waited for him thanks to Kaworu's power as the Angel of Free Will manipulated his decision for the next hospital he should visit, the stooges cried themselves while bashed their heads to the wall nearest them.

As soon as they passed out, a pair of flippers dragged their faint body away...

* * *

A/N: Well...how is it? I know i didn't put PenPenXKensukeXToji, so here's some cookies for my apologies for those who got it right in the adulthood!

Next: ReiquariumXMayaXEverymales and ShinjiXReiXAsukaXOC^50. By^50, i meant TONS of OC.


	3. Reiquarium is Awesome!

Disclaimer: Anno own Rei's boobies, so don't sue me.

Inspired by Tony Takezaki's Evangelion parody work. Man, i love that guy. And like before, no homo.

So, now...it's ReiquariumXMayaXEverymalesthatstillalive!

* * *

 _Ayanami Rei..._

"This is..."

"Yes. These are the core of the dummy system." Ritsuko said in ice cold tone. All her angers and frustation...were somehow conveyed by the icy mono tone.

"So, this is..."

"Yes. Dummies. Nothing but spare parts of Ayanami. Human found god, and thus, tried to..."

All cryptic and artsy comment from the bottle blond were halted.

As they saw Shinji Ikari, Third Child, glomped the aquarium like a leech.

"Hehehe...boobs...Ayanami's boobs..."

"Um, Shinji?"

"Human found god...you're right, Doctor Akagi. And i, Shinji Ikari, is going to be the one who resurrected it!" He said as he began to unzip his pants.

Ritsuko couldn't believe it. She thought it would finally break the kid down, but instead, it brought his spirit and libido back to the basic. Her revenge to the Ikaris...was a futile effort.

Only one more way down.

"I'm afraid i can't let you do that." Ritsuko said, as she pulled a remote from her hands.

"Huh?"

"Since Gendo Ikari don't love me, i will KILL THEM ALL!"

"NO!"

A female bridge bunny snatched the controller away.

"Ma...maya?"

"Sempai...think the possibility..."

Shinji began to nosebleed from the possibilities.

"Maya...you don't understand..."

"Sempai, i can give you the love he can't give!"

"There's only Gendo in my heart!"

"Then i'll show you my love, sempai, so you can accept me..." Said Maya, as she began to undressed herself.

Too bad that it meant she had to left the controller in the floor.

"Ha! Now, all i need, is to push the button!"

Too bad that a pair of hands took it away from her.

"Akagi..."

"Commander?"

"Don't. Destroy. The boobs." He said sternly...and his eyes were glowing, promised her pain should she disobeyed him.

"NO! I WILL BE LOVED, AND SHE WILL DIE!" Ritsuko lost it.

"I see. Kaji. Do it."

The unshaven man shot the controller down.

Ritsuko broke down.

"Kaji! I thought you were-"

"Dead?"

"...I don't like Commando that much, Kaji."

"Well, i thought that was some kind of reference. And Akagi?"

"Yes..." She said with no emotion.

"Looks like your plan just got...shot down." He said, as he pulled a pair of glasses.

Somewhere, much closer to the sun, a bridge bunny with long hair screamed "YEEEEEEAAAAHHH!".

"So, Misato...care to join the party?"

"Kaji... i don't swing both ways."

"Ouch. I'm hurt." He said sarcastically.

"Besides, it's me and Lorenz Keel's turn first, Agent Kaji."

Everybody bleached at the thought of Ikari and Lorenz's naked ass together with the jailbait clones.

Except Shinji, who was still trying to get into the aquarium.

 _Damn! This glass is hard!_

The Reis were laughing at the size of the Ikari.

 _Hehehe! It's smaller than we thought!_

"Sir...too much information." Misato and Kaji said in unison as if they were in synch training before.

Suddenly, a very pale bishonen came into the room.

Now, the Doctor had a grin in her face.

"...Who are you?"

"Heh. Don't you think i have a backup plan, Commander? Ladies and Gentleman, presenting to you, Tabris."

"The...the next Angel!"

"I'm not seeing what you saw on her, Shinji-kun." The angel said with disregard in his tone.

"...Are you gay?" Kaji said, before Misato added. "Not that there's something wrong about that."

"To put it bluntly, YES!" Kaworu screamed as he flied his way to Shinji.

 _Oh, shit...oh, shit!_

Just before Kaworu about to glomp the now pantless Shinji, an angel alarm barked down it's way.

"What is it?"

"Nine objects at EVA size have been identified on the sky. Blue Patterns detected from them!"

 ** _Meanwhile, inside one of the eyeless EVA._**

 _Akagi...i won't let you destroy the boobs!_

No cookies for whoever guessed it right.

 ** _Back to the terminal._**

"Tarbis, pick EVA-02, and fight them!" Akagi commanded to the boy who now nearly naked with the equally naked, effeminate and scarred shitless boy.

"Can't we do it after i'm done with Shinji?"

"GET OUT! NOW!"

"Sheesh, fine." Kaworu sighed in defeat, as he began to get dressed again.

"Okay, Plan C! Get them, girls!" She said, as a secret trap door opened.

"GENDO NO BAKA!" A twin voices of very angry woman shouted.

"Yu...Yui? Naoko?" The grim Commander gulped at the two females.

"How dare you make a clone of me!"

"How dare you made me committed suicide!"

"It was your fault in the first place, Akagi. And for your information, Yui, we're just borrowing your facial genetics for Rei. She's not your actual clone." He said, as he lifted his glasses to regain his confidence.

"Like that helping your matters at all!"

Suddenly another trap door opened.

"Fuyutsuki! Shinji's friends! Aoba and Hyuga!"

"We want the boobs too!" They all screamed

"I'm too old for this shit..." One of the younger woman ironically said. Guess who?

Yet another trap door opened.

"SHINJI NO BAKA!" The redhead shouted.

"TOJI NO BAKA!" The freckled girl shouted.

And so, Mortal Kombat between the pro-lactate and anti-lactate began. Amazingly, the females hold themselves well despite their numerical disadvantage.

Then again, they had the devil on their side.

Maya was in neutral side, as she cannot hurt her sempai.

Misato decided that she needs another drink. Lots of drinks.

Meanwhile, somewhere in a mansion, a naked pair of young feminine man and azure haired woman were watching the fight in amusement.

"All according to plan..." They mused and grinned, before they resumed their...previous activity.

Hey, if you already hacked the NERV's bank account, made a clone of your crush, told every truth to your love, and he accepted it, then everything is right in your world!

Also, it's helping that his stuff was much more...impressive than it's normal size suggested.

Not that something's wrong with that.

 _Yes. Rei's boobies are really awesome!_

Like before, no cookies for guessing.

* * *

A/N: LOL. ReiXShinji forever!

...Please don't hurt me, Asuka fans. I like her, too.


	4. Red and Blue's Huntin Season Episode 1

Well, here we go with the next installment of Crackest of All Pairings.

This fic will be derived from Shinji's huntin season concept, with some stolen scenes from the said fic. It will also be something like Gendo's need from Innortal's omake files, where the thing continued further than just a one-shot.

Yeah. I'm such an unoriginal twat. And i believe i just violated the fact that this fic was supposed to be one-shot collection. So from now on, this will be one hell of a mess...

* * *

Today was a P.E. day for the girls. As the teacher did not enter the class for various reasons (it was rumored that he just found out the truth behind Second Impact and got traumatized by it), it was only logical that the boys would discuss something urgent.

"Allright, guys! Today's topic would be our desired bachelorette!"

Yeah. How productive.

With Toji Suzuhara as the leader, and Kensuke Aida as the vice-leader of the council, everyday in Tokyo-3's junior high school were never flat. Not that the females were boring, but the fact that Horaki was their class representative perhaps made everything too authoritative for the taste of the hot blooded younglings that're thrilled with adventures.. And with this subject, all attention were focused on the new subject from combination of curiosity and intrigue.

"Remember, guys! You can vote for two chicks in this class!"

Too bad Shinji Ikari, their secretary was homesick. Teasing him had always been enjoyable for the man in the class, and with this subject, he would have all day long full of nothing but nasty, but playful remarks from his friends. Neverthless, the boys entered their choice with lightning speed, showed that Asuka was right after all. Kensuke's laptop then calculated the results, which he then announced.

"Hmm...6% on Hikari Horaki, 10% on Mana Kirishima-Hey! You can't vote the girl from other class!"

The boys who did it just blushed at their rebellious behavior. Aww, you naughty boys!

"Ah, never mind. 42% for...Asuka Langrey Sohryu?"

"AH! ASUKA!" The boys murmured and moaned at the mention of her name. Salivas came out of their mouth as their mind went into dreamy state. Blood flowed through their cheeks and/or...private area as their dirty imagination began to reeks in. Kensuke and Touji sweatdropped.

"Well, looks like the red devil really a charm person, after all. And 42% for...REI AYANAMI?"

"OH, REI!" The boys murmured and moaned again. Dreamy faces were struck on the class. Again, blood flew through their different body parts. The leaders sweatdropped again, before their face reddened from fury.

"This is ridiculous! What the hell did you guys see at that Red bitch?"

"And what is so desirable from the albino ice queen? A cardboard has more personality than her!" Kensuke added.

 _My heart was supposed to be only for Hikari!...Or is it?  
_

 _I haven't even figured out what i feel from the albino!_

"Well...As-Asuka is very pretty, we found her fiery personality to be...kinky and challenging, her figure is quiet...filled out for her age, and she is a half-gaijin. Oh, those blue eyes and such a beautiful long sunset-colored hair..." Someone exclaimed.

"And Rei is exotically beautiful, with her porcelain skin, azure hair and crimson orb for the eyes. Ah..."The boy who added his own points got into swoon trance for a while before someone whacked him from behind. "Ah, sorry. Ehm. More points. She's just as stacked as Asuka-maybe more-, she has such a warm smile, and, um...she's quiet of a challenge with her... quietness."

"Either way, they're a great challenge for any suitor, and...very rewardful in the process." One of the boy summarized their idealized girl.

"Wait a minute. Where did you guys found Rei smiling? Asuka offered to have sex with Shinji out of blue is still a much better probability that that! Hell, i don't even think she had enough imagination to get bored in the first place!" Kensuke asked.

"Well, one of us sneaked up in the aftermath of the battle against the Fifth Angel to snap a picture, and he found her smiled for him. Ikari. That lucky bastard..."

"I'm gonna...i'm gonna..."

"Uh, oh."

"Ikari is in deep trouble, Touji..." Kensuke said, as he saw the guy blowed steams from nostrils and ears. They knew the safeguard locks that prevented the furious guy from exploded was here somewhere, as his very reddened face suggested he would blow by any second should they not moving faster.

"Oh, yeah! The photo!"

Kensuke then pulled a photo out of his pocket. The photo, in question, was Rei and Asuka's catfight in mud after the seventh Angel attack. Their plugsuit were torn apart, showing skins here and there. Not that the skitight suit really leave nothing to imagination.

"Oh, Rei!"

"Oh, Asuka!"

At the sight of the boys in the class changed the looks in their eyes from fury to dreamy within seconds, it was logical for the leaders of the council to declare them medically insane.

Unfortunately, a certain bespetacled girl watched the whole shenanigans from the window.

 _Uh, oh! I'd better tell Mana right away! I just hope the girls would be fine for today, wherever they are.  
_

 _Shinji, you're such a lucky guy..._

* * *

 _Achoo!_

A certain blue haired girl who playing hooky out of curiosity just sneezed.

Ever since the Commander had nightmares about Yui rejecting him in the post Third-Impact world, he had tried to make amends with her and his son. One of his attempts was to remove some of Rei's meds prescription, resulted in her now developed some of her human traits, such as curiosity.

 _That's strange! I thought i had no allergic from non-dairy products..._

A thought that someone talked behind her back got into her mind. But she dismissed it right away, knowing that being a quiet, socially withdrawn girl had it's own benefit, like being left alone from the other's bullshit out of lacks of feedback. Right?

 _Ikari-kun is sick today. I better...do something to comfort him._

* * *

 _Achoo!_

A certain red haired girl who playing hooky due to boreness just sneezed.

 _That's strange! i thought i had no allergic from meats..._

A thought that someone talked behind her back got into her mind. But she dismissed it right away, knowing that being a fiery, violent girl had it's own benefit, like being left alone from the other's bullshit out of fear. Right?

 _Baka-Shinji is sick today... Wait. Why do i even care for him in the first place?_

* * *

 _Achoo!_

A certain boy with raven colored hair just sneezed.

 _The sickness only get worse..._

At that moment, a certain Penguin sneaked into his room

"Wark!"

"No! I have the remote this time!"

Shinji did have courage, you know. Even if it was just barely enough to not take any bullshit from a certain artic avian. Well, at least regarding who had the control on the TV for now. There was a reason for why he still served him sardines and salmons anytime he did the peck of doom.

"Wark!"

"I don't care what happen to Urd and Belldandy, and there's nothing you can do about that!"

"Wark!"

"No. I simply don't want to watch soaps now. Period!"

He then sneezed again.

 _Achoo!_ _Achoo!_

* * *

There was Mana Kirishima and Hikari Horaki, playing basketball and on a bet.

"Mana! Mana!"

*CLANG!*

With that, Mana had to pay 1000 yen to Hikari.

"Damn it!"

"Pay up, Kirishima!"

"Hey you!" The red brown haired beauty said harshly to the girl who now breathed frantically, but not before handed the money first"You messed up my tenth consecutive shot, and made me lost the bet in the process! What do you have in defense before i rip you a new one?"

"Mana...the pilot girls...are in...danger."

"You mean...Asuka and Ayanami?"

"Yes...the boys...just chosen..." With that, Mayumi fainted away from her lacks of sufficient oxigens for her small lungs.

"Mayumi? MAYUMI!"

"Oh, man! I've told her many time to start exercising! Now look at her!"

"Never mind that! Help me get her into the infirmary!"

* * *

Some delinquent were looking for trouble.

The trouble was...Shinji Ikari.

 _If only i had wind tunnel..._

This Miroku, unlike our lovable dirty monk, was a pussy. That's why he had to make it while many were still stuck at school.

 _Soon, after Shinji gone, that hot German chick will be mine!  
_

Too bad that some delinquent losers also chose to do the same with him.

* * *

Meanwhile, Shinji's running away sense is tingling.

 _I'm not even piloting the EVA now. Is father planning something now?_

* * *

 _Achoo!_

The great leader of NERV, Gendo Ikari, just proved that Japaneses always sneezed whenever someone talked behind their back.

Not that there's something wrong with that.

 _Damn you, Shinji. If only you did not look so much like Yui, i would never leave you and we would not get into this mess in the first place. I could've just let Rei grow into her adult year, and then..._

"Something in your mind, Commander Ikari?"

"Ah, it's nothing." He lied so convincingly that the other man did not questioned him again, " So, about Pilot Ayanami and my son...are they, become an item would be considered...You know."

"I do not believe so, sir." The doctor said, "First of all, as you said before, 'clone', by NERV's definition would be closer to something like a Fiat car that have been modified to look and performed like a Ferrari. As you know, the EVAs have different look, like different set of eyes, and just like them, making of Rei was quiet...difficult before we all finally got it right. And like the EVAs, there are many genetic modifications that were done to her in the first place. In short, while related to a degree, she would be, at most, considered as Yui's 'distant clone', if i put it that way."

"Well, that's true. Technically, Rei shouldn't even be 14 in the first place considering her activation date. That alone reminded me that indeed, we placed so many...inhuman traits inside her." Ikari conversed.

"Not to mention that we also placed genetic code to make her grow normally after she reached her twelfth biologically, then some codes to make her stay put together, which's still had to be helped with her medical prescriptions. And then we have to-"

"Allright. I think i got the idea." The Commander said as he tried to avoid a long, boring conversation that he could barely understand. Even as a scientist himself, there are areas that he simply did not understand.

"Fine. In conclusions, we have done so much things for her that it's a miracle that she still ended up as a healthy and beautiful young girl like she's right now. And she's not Yui." With that, he ended his point.

"You're right. In the end, i already know. I'm just looking for some reassurance from the expert."

"Thank you, sir." He simply said in return, which Gendo reciprocrate with a slight nod.

"And now, for something different. My son's attraction toward her, " He shifted uncomfortably, "Is it crush, or because...you know. I know that he liked her smile, well...at least i think he does. Then again, everyone loves Yui's smile. Wait. I'm wandering off-topic again. Ehm.

Not that i opposed them to get closer, but...i have my concern, you know."

"You mean, you concerned that their relationship, in a way is his alternative towards his lacks of maternity's experience instead of simple young love?"

"Yes. That's my main concern for their liaisons."

The man took a minute before he spoke, but he did make his points across and simple, "Subconsciously, perhaps, but i believe that he seen her more as a fellow friend and pilot." He said as he lifted his glasses, unknowingly mocked the way the great Commander did so himself, "If i recall correctly, he doesn't even remember her face at all."

"I see. Indeed, he was too young that time," Some part of his mind now easen at the reassurement, "But...is it can be considered as something Oedipal?"

"I think you know the answer already, Commander."

Inwardly, Gendo groaned at the reassurement regarding his son's Oedipal complex.

 _My son's a sick person..._

* * *

 _Achoo!_

Yup. Like father, like son.

Unknowingly to him, his life just been saved by the penguin he just chastised earlier. Said Penguin saw a guy plundering toward the Katsuragi's beer collections. Only knowing that the guy's intention was definitely for something not good without any defined, the mighty penguin just pecked the guy mercilessly until he ran out of the building. It's a good thing that Shinji dismissed the dull hit sounds as Pen-Pen get angered by something silly like him spilled Misato's curry into his tuna fish.

It's not a good thing that the Penguin accidentally drank the content of the beer the boy just installed in hope to baby trapped Shinji.

Soon, Shinji had to face the wrath of 19 more guys from his school, a cold princess and red valkyrie that soon will crossed path with each others, a great and painful headache, and a horny, VERY horny penguin...

* * *

Keel Lorenz just switched his goal of instrumentality after he saw a photo.

 _Dayum! This Rei chick would make one hell of a hot momma once maturity did his job! Who care about Instrumentality if you can get something this fine in your life?_

Yes. Keel was a very sick old bastard...

* * *

Well, that's the first installment of Red and Blue hunting season.

Should i keep up with horny Pen-Pen jokes or not? YOU DECIDE!

...Please don't sue me, Nice Peter...

Next idea: Pen-PenxGendo's adam embryo handx Kaworux Marix Keel Lorenz and Unit-01xLilith (selfcest, LOL).


End file.
